Monday, May 05, 2003

MY NEW BLOG HOME

www.freshnjuicy.co.uk/blog/

Needing database access and images to spruce up freshnjuicy I've secured my own domain and taken on board Movable Type software. The new blog is much in keeping with this blogger one but with greater scope to get things done. So, please don't be bashful. Come right on in!






Thursday, May 01, 2003

CONVERSION TO MOVABLE TYPE BLOGGING

http://www.freshnjuicy.co.uk/blog/

Hip hip hurrah! Fresh n Juicy gets Movable Typeable and set free...

On my travels around the blogging community I see many excellent blog sites, both in what they say and designwise. I guess it was the natural progression to step up from Blogger's free service to a Movable Type installation on an independently hosted server. Happily the new Fresh n Juicy blog site is now up and joyfully running.

I'll keep this Blogger site running for the next few weeks to capitalise on the numerous Search Engine requests I receive up until the new site gets fully registered with the big Search Engines (Google, Yahoo,...) Please update all links to Fresh n Juicy. Rest assured all my links from http:freshnjuicy.blogspot.com are automatically the same links on the new site.

I would like to pay a special thanks to Aardvark from http://www.arseburgers.co.uk/blog/ for his interest, help and excellent 4 Part series on How To Install Movable Type...
and
The Trotts, combo from Movable Type; for their help, support and valued assistance in installing the Movable Type software. The Trotts aren't a married couple, I found out yesterday but rather siblings (brother and sister).

You are all invited to peruse, use, muse over my new site at:

http://www.freshnjuicy.co.uk/blog/






FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

"CHURCH OF STOP SHOPPING"
Today, May Day, sees anti-capitalism artists holding a pray and vac in central London. Armed with vacuum cleaners and a wing and a prayer, members of the Church of Stop Shopping, regularly spoof shop staff and customers. On going pursuit with The Stop Shopping Tour UK coming to a town near you...

THE BIG 50
Tony Blair, el Supremo Briton, hits the big five o this week. Hard to believe it's not a typo as he's the father of pre-school age child this former rock guitarist shook, cattled and ham rolled his way to 10 Downing Street [London, England]. Could just be: "Hey, the milky bars are on me" this week.

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow





Wednesday, April 30, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

'COMICAL ALI'
Poor old 'Comical Ali' ever the optimist now turned down for post of inmate in US gaol. So what lies ahead for him ...Pulitzer Prize 2004, Nobel Prize for Literature 2004, resident stand up comic entertaining the Ryanair airline counter queues this summer? How about official translator between the House of Commons and the rump House of Lords?

BECK'S FUTURES PRIZE 2003
Beck's Futures prize 2003 awarded to Rosalind Nashashibi. Passionate Egyptian love song backdrop to short film 'The State of Things' shot in Glasgow about an old dear bargain hunting at Salvation Army jumble sale. Can be viewed at ICA in London up until 18 May then Southampton (England) and Glasgow (Scotland).

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow





Tuesday, April 29, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

"COMICAL ALI" YA WHAT, MATE!?!
What Ali's that? Sting like a bee, Buzz like a Ryanair? Ali G, y u talkin' 'bout me? Ah, now I get it, Mr. Ryanair. Some far away bod, n'est pas? Trying to sign him as an employee?

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow





FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

WEE PRICE FOR A CAR STICKER
Not worth tuppence. Lack of decent ideas leads Scottish firm to wrongly price its allegedly 'controversial' car sticker at £1.99*. The peel off and stick car adornment distastefully shows an alleged Welsh fan weeing on an English number 7 soccer shirt. Right wee laddies, let's see what you come up with for Haiti number 2 shirts...

WENDY HOUSE TO BE BULLDOZED?
Planning Officer for local authority for Muston [village in England] set to pitilessly bulldoze to the ground £99* Wendy House owned by 2 infants. The, I'm not one for playing around anyway, official town planner sticks up his nose at its architectural merits.

* British Pounds Sterling £

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow





Saturday, April 26, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

NOUVEAU ROYALTY
Three hundred pages torn from dictionary to prove that 'Posh' was close to 'anorexia'. Stunningly thin on just about everything, Victoria Beckham with mega ball bending hubbie represent the nation on American television in their capacity of Britain's nouveau royalty.

PRIMAL COMPUTER GAME
'Primal bear' computer game with its girl heroine a la 'Lara Croft' set to hypnotize the young joy stick twiddling lads. With Lara already the poster pin up for games mad boys and ultra die hard university women lecturers could new heroine 'Jenn' accompanied by her hobbling boyfriend potential gargoyle sidekick 'Scree' rival 'Lara Croft'?

Another Fresh & Juicy on Monday





Friday, April 25, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

BRITISH BANKERS TREMBLE
All powerful British blogger summons the once great banking chiefs to answer as his bank wrongly actions his life insurance policy. The once god like British banking establishment now trembling, kneeling, yes begging forgiveness, even being prepared to put right their pitiful efforts, following the all exposing thunderous revelations of one of our own blogging kind.

RICHEST POP STARS
Tom Jones, hip wiggling Welsh song macho, officially declared among richest of the universally rich popsters. Nearing the official British retirement age and recent complainer that concert attending women fans were scandalously throwing bag loads of 'unworn' knickers at him, he's still pumping away.

US FAST FOOD EATERY DECLARES WAR ON THE OVER-29s
With its commercially repositioned market now aiming for 18 to 29 year old Americans ...over 29 year old ragamuffins can kiss good bye to them swish cheeseburgers cos their place could now allegedly be down town soup slop houses serving guard dog slobbered over glazed ham on last week's fresh bagels; mayo not included.

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow




Thursday, April 24, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" UK EDITION
Mr Paul "I°m Gonna Make A Blockbuster Movie Outta This" Smith and Chris "Find Out After The Break" Tarrant, your final answers please. "Who picks the contestants for the shows?" and "How are contestants chosen?" With several people appearing on the show at least FOUR times each when millions phone in and never get on ...Smell fish, anyone?

RYANAIR "COMICAL ALI"
Ryanair the cheaper than cheep cheep Irish airline, kick ass, low fares, low this, low that, gives us "Comical Ali" advertisement in British newspapers. Its chief executive sums up competitors "They go places you can°t spell and have never heard of ..." Charming.

Another Fresh & Juicy tomorrow




Monday, April 21, 2003

TAKING ICE WITH THAT COOL REFRESHING SOFT DRINK ?


Imagine this…



…you’re thirsty, you’ve got a wallet full of bank notes and plastic credit cards galore …you’re thirsty. You’re in Chicago, USA (Birmingham, UK). It’s economic good times again. You park your car, take your wallet out and you drop into a diner or a bar. In the land of the plenty, …you swallow your drink …and you drive on…


Take two…



…you’re thirsty, you’ve got a wallet full of bank notes and plastic credit cards galore …you’re thirsty. You’re in Ethiopia (Africa). It’s another terrible drought again. You park your car, take your wallet out and you look around you. In the land of the drought, …you swallow …and you drive on…


.....



.....

ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUSLY:

Every day in the world 6000 people die because of either droughts or infected water diseases.

Every year that’s over 2 million people.



TODAY

Today is Tuesday 22 April 2003.

Today is the 33rd annual ‘Earth Day’.



INFORMED

Informed by Matt Prescott’s excellent blog:

Informed by ‘The World's Ten Thirstiest Children’ article:






FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

RUPERT BEAR RIGHTS
«He"s my bear.»… «No, he"s not. He"s mine.» Grown up businessmen squabble over Rupert Bear rights. Eventually Rupert Bear might compete with Noddy and (who knows?) long awaited ‘Bill and Ben The Flowerpot Men’ blockbuster movie starring ‘Ant and Dec’.

WORLD SNOOKER CHAMPIONSHIPS 2003
World Snooker Championships 2003 begin in Sheffield (England). First Round televised match Drew Henry versus Mark King with at one point neither player looking as if he would make it through to Second Round. Afterwards, in shock announcement King announced possible retirement from the cue ball stroking sport citing personal reasons and prefering brick building over snooker’s break building.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Friday, April 18, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Darkly veiled elderly widows carrying broomsticks for protection, creaking floorboards, objects moving without physical force, hallucinatory humming of nulle pointe classics from previous Eurovision Song Contests …Yes, the ‘Poltergeist Emergency Service’ real life Ghostbusters in Moscow (Russia) armed with hi-tec gizmos, picking up even tiniest movements of air, tackles the city’s paranormal underworld.

‘The Screen Machine’ enterprising mobile 102 red plush seated cinema business bus’s about mainstream films soon after their general release. Driving right to outer reaches of known human existence: the Scottish Highlands (Scotland). Even once to Sarajevo (Bosnia) for British, American and Canadian peace keeping troops.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Thursday, April 17, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Researchers reveal longer legged women produce bigger babies. Unfortunately, these fitter women are also the hardest catch having the longest stride length. So …what of the short, dumpy little women whose feet don’t touch the ground when seated?

More freshnjuicy fruit: fewer snack foods = stacking the odds in your favour. ‘Captain Colon’ down to earth new cancer busting whiz bang computer interactive Internet game launched by British charity Colon Cancer Concern. The fruit power packing and hands on website aims to graphically and interactively inform general public on how best avoid bowel cancer; UK’s second biggest cancer killer.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow





Wednesday, April 16, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

«Boo», «Hey linesman, He’s behind you.» Stressed out British Copper struts his stuff along soccer’s white line. Controversial police officer, at time officially off work through stress, caught offside on national television officiating (er, stressful? Nah, stroll in the park) top division soccer match, today chosen to linesman FA Cup Final 2003 (England).

Aeroflot, the airline (Russia) where passengers are very careful what they say to air hostesses, reluctant to leave behind its hammer and sickle image. Shrouded in total mystery with neither confirmation nor denial that any new official statement would ever be made about its company logo.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow





Tuesday, April 15, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Sophisticated Easter eggs, lovingly sculptured themed designs in that magical French style. Yes, it’s Easter again. This year’s themes in France include celebrating La Fontaine’s fables, Microscosmos and yes even St. Petersburg’s (Russia) 300th anniversary. Or made-to-order life sized replicas of itsy bitsy chocolatitsy catwalk models wearing rice paper clothing?

Felix the Cat style picture discovered in Peru by archaeologists. The pre-Inca religious icon drawing found on a (pre-Corn Flakes) bowl in Peru adds another 1000 years (back 4000 years ago) to religious existence in Andes region. Archaeologists and Paddington Bear excited at discovery.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Monday, April 14, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

The ‘London Marathon 2003’ (England), annual knee knocking joggers classic. Contestants such as 12 foot giraffe, a full crew carrying their boat (er, lost your way to the Thames River, lads?) plus thousands more. Oh, …and super duper athletes like Britain’s Paula Radcliffe, darling of the nation, and world women’s marathon record holder.

Legendary Jolly Green Giant Danish soccer goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel set to retire. Famed for wearing monumentally huge gloves, awesome ball stopping performances and spectacularly audacious headers on last minute corner kicks to utterly drop jaw «What are you doing up this end?» opposing goalkeepers’ and defenders.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Saturday, April 12, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Cock legged dogs in dock. Dog walkies proving serious problem in Derbyshire (England) with up to one million corroding lamp posts in the English county being potentially declared unsafe. With prospect of collasping lamp posts set to replace fear of UFOs landing, the local authority points finger at dogs as potential corroding culprits.

Finnish skiffle group ‘Werner Bros’ set to rapturize world’s audiences. Guitars, drums and mandolins chiming along with tea chest bass, spoons and washboards, then mixed in with their own distinctive sense of humour. Already having appeared in Philadelphia, France, Russia, Germany …next stop London charity concert.

Another Fresh + Juicy on Monday




Friday, April 11, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Harley Davidson, the charismatic iconic motorbike manu, to celebrate its 100th birthday in August 2003 with massive three days wheelie style «Birthday Party» of all out throttle revving orgy power along Lake Michigan (USA). Expectations of 150,000 barbeque loving HOGs rodeo riding their stylish all-American rubber burners.

Fame in the USA does not beckon for mr beckham following alleged shameful snubbing by big league tv prog ‘The Simpsons’. With near Royalty mania status in his fabled homeland of England prince supremo aka Mr Posh still unknown in USA. At least he could take relaxed unrecognized strolls along America’s streets.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Thursday, April 10, 2003

FRUMBLE DEFINITION

I've just looked at my emails and a well read reader has asked me: "What's a 'frumble' ?" So, here's my definition: It's a frown and a mumble at the same time. For example, "she gave me the most awful of frumbles".
So go forth and frumble today.




FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Concorde, from supersonic to bubonic. Uneconomic for Concorde fleet owners, deserted by the lobster ravishing, champagne toasting crowd. The Franco-British technological advance from the 1960s arriving in travel market in 1970s sees hypersonic wallet busting potential passengers flee. Misfortune, an aging image and changing economic conditions put Concorde’s nose out of joint for final time.

Norwegian Parliament officially makes Norway world’s first country to outlaw smoking in bars and restaurants countrywide. In a world rattling, hand trembling, frumble provoking move the nation’s Scandanavian mobile chimney carriers set to face next winter huffing and puffing out on the street.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



Tuesday, April 08, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

The Pulitzer Prize 2003, the world championships of biography scribbling, goes to «Master of the Senate»; the third part of Robert A.. Caro’s monumental triceps building series all about Lyndon Johnson. This is Caro’s second time; winning way back in history in 1975.

«My Sassy Girl» proclaimed Best Asian film at Hong Kong Film Awards 2003. Top films: «Infernal Affairs» and «Hero» each scoop 7 awards. Now in 22nd year non too shy Southeast Asian film glitteratzy wickedly flaunt their stuff. Best Actor award goes to Tony Leung for «Infernal Affairs», Best Actress to Lee Sin Je «The Eye»

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



Monday, April 07, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Red noses for Swedish movie makers filming in Lapland who send out desperate plea for, wait for it, …snow. Scandinavia, renowned for its icy climate, calls in British snow making firm who delivers container load of paper snow to ensure filming continues on ‘The Threat’ production which has fallen foul to unnaturally warm weather conditions.

‘World Transplant Games’ to be held in Nancy (France) in July 2003. Open to all people who have received donated organs [liver, kidney…etc] the championships is a celebration of sporting prowess and success overcoming the adversity of organ failure. Measurement of successful organ transplants.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



Sunday, April 06, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

'THE KISS' SHACKLED
Tut, tut. Tate, Tate. Right! Hands up,… who put the string around Auguste Rodin’s masterpiece ‘The Kiss’?… Oh, it’s you? You’re a… you’re a what… An artist!? Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that… A Turner Prize nominated artist, no less. Hmm, interesting. And you’re now complaining that someone’s... what… cut this bit of string with some scissors?…. Oh, right! You call what you’ve done art? Fine. And you call it: « The Distance : A Kiss With Added String » ? I know what I’d call it.

So, here we go. Quiz time, again.
So between who was the above dialogue?

A) The arresting police officer and the alleged artist.
B) A Turner Prize judge and the artist.
C) Freshnjuicy's writer in residence thinking to himself: "Interview? Nah"
D) An admiring gallery spectator and the artist.

'The Kiss' take 2 version is scheduled to be seen at the Tate Britain [London, England] until end of May 2003 as part of the exhibition 'Days Like These'.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Saturday, April 05, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

MOSES
Venetians turn to ‘Moses’ for salvation from serious floods. Venice [Italy], home to ice cream adoring opera singing punters, hopes to have officially approved 78 huge sea gates to hold back natural elements. Italy’s Project ‘Moses’, acronym [naturally enough] translates to ‘Experimental Eletromechanical Module’, holds negotiations a la Pavaroti: ‘Just one more sea gato, give it to me.’

MOST WANTED LIST
Outrageous… shouldn’t be allowed… Metropolitan Police force (London, England) hijacks every kid’s treasured line. ‘Most Wanted List’, term formerly reserved for prized Christmas present requests, now takes on a dark, sinister tone in England inspired by success of crime busting forces in USA.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow





Friday, April 04, 2003

POPDEX: THE WEBSITE POPULARITY INDEX

Hurray! Freshnjuicy has made it onto the Popdex’s “Top Referring Sites" list [right-hand column] today. Currently still riding high, Freshnjuicy at one point (with 51 referrals at 11.55hrs this morning), was up to second place behind msn.search.de !

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

YORK’S ROMAN EMPRESS
York (England) deserves coronation of second Roman Emperor (Empress?) as Yorkshire lass shows the lads how to play ball. Gritty, football mad girl Sophie McGill saves local lads from bleak fate of weekend beer dribbling meets around flickering televisions in dingy pubs. York Football Club in dire financial straits finally gets real to survive.

FULL METAL FUNK
Full Metal Funk dj’s Tó-Zé Diogo and Zé Salvador set to take international music scene by storm. Portugal’s wiz whirling tip topping tap tapping dynamic turntabling musicologicalistically there dj’s incorporate high powered styles like electro, techno, house, breakbeat (er, ya what, mate?), funk and jazz plus added customised elements to suit dance floor movers' and shakers’ moods.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



Thursday, April 03, 2003

GRAND NATIONAL 2003

Martell Cognac Grand National 2003 this weekend at Aintree (Liverpool, England). For all my non-British readers, this is the top steeplechase horse race held each year in England and where huge sums of cash are well and truly gambled. My once yearly visit to the Bookmaker’s means £1 each way goes on ‘Torduff Express'.

FRESHNJUICY PUNDIT FORECAST:
1 Torduff Express 2 Empereur River 3 The Bunny Boiler 4 Good Shuil

My Method Explained:
‘The Bunny Boiler’ made me smile;
‘Empereur River’ was a last minute replacement;
‘Good Shuil’ was where my pin landed;
‘Torduff Express’ frankly sounds like a Grand National winner.



FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

JURY FLEAS
Long bearded Jumping Jack juror scratched off jury before fellow jurors flee. Judge swayed by astonished fellow juror’s allegation of spotting creepy crawlies nesting in colleague’s beard. Judge decides juror be informed of decision via letter.

ICEMAN MR FREEZER
«Iceman Mr Freezer» a born again Elvis Presley set to represent Nigeria at ‘The Brantford Music Festival’ in Canada in August 2003. ‘Iceman’ is Africa’s first ever Elvis representative at the yearly internationally acclaimed festival. The gifted performer plans on becoming all singing all dancing African ambassador.

SHAGGY DOG SHOW
Shaggy Dog Show’s cash goes a walkies. Rotten hearted thief leaves dog lovers holding the biscuit.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow




Wednesday, April 02, 2003

POPDEX TOP 100:
THE WEBSITE POPULARITY INDEX


Hurray! Freshnjuicy has made it onto the Top 100 on the Popdex chart today.

Popdex currently crawls 12,797 sites daily to compile its daily chart. It includes such 'competitors' as: BBC, CNN, ABC, Guardian Unlimited, Mirror Group, Washington Post, New York Times, Fox News, Herald Sun... and a very long etc.

A giant big thanks to all my avid readers! All 2.97 of you. You know who you are!




FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

GREECE'S WIND FARMS
Greek bureaucracy’s ‘Hey, nothing moves here unless we say it can’ attitude blows away wind power farms around its windy nation. Needing the permission of 7 different Greek government ministries wind farms impossible utopia. Greece’s ‘living statue’ contestants (its bureaucrats) favourites now to win any World Standstill Championships.

FAKE EUROS DISCOVERED
‘Exceptional quality’ fake Euros discovered in France as three East Europeans hand cuffed while buying a baguette and wine; the usual giveaway sign for international high powered gangsters. French Police reveal these Lithuanians do not need a visa perhaps not surprising when you realise they can pay in cash, although dodgy.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



Monday, March 31, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

2003 Bald Archy Prize awarded to Louise Klein for her poignant and satirically humbling caricature piece: «What Odds?» The Sydney (Australia) located award in tenth year has cockatoo as art critic and judge who, with academics monstrously and hysterically claiming otherwise, apparently knows paint and bucket loads more than a university art professor.

Lovingly scissor sculptured top chop pleases Russian pensioner. Decent hair cuts, the very hallmark of the technologically advanced Western world, finally reach Chernyakhovskaya Ulitsa (Russia). Multitudes of wolf whistles next day from his female former co workers put a happy glow on this man’s wrinkly face.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (24)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
« So you"re working as a (...............) worker? »
« I'm a « Ripening-Room Attendant », actually.»

In the USA, what does a « Ripening-Room Attendant » do? Is s/he…

A) someone employed in supervising sun-drying tomatoes
B) someone employed in old people’s care/rest homes
C) someone employed in baseball coaching
D) someone employed in plastic-synthetic

Answer to previous question. In the USA a " Yarn-Weight-And-Strength Tester ", works in textiles. I was tempted very tempted to say… but no… even though I’m sure some days Government cabinet ministers might prefer to be streakers at soccer matches. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

Saturday, March 29, 2003

GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (23)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
« So you"re working as a (...............) worker? »
« I'm a « Yarn-Weight-And-Strength Tester », actually.»

In the USA, what does a « Yarn-Weight-And-Strength Tester » do? Is s/he…

A) a textile worker
B) a Geordie hospital nurse [Newcastle, England]
C) a streaker at soccer matches
D) a Government cabinet minister

Previous answer. In the USA a "Laundry-Bag-Punch Operator", works in paper goods. And there was me thinking of 5 foot 1 inch Laundry-Bag-Punch Operators running shadey pizza franchise businesses. Return on Monday for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest
DEARIE DEARIE ME, IMAGE CHEQUER PLEASE !

As you can see from my visiting lists I drop in on many blog sites during a normal week. For some reason photos of dogs, especially the minature chiwoofwoof variety (or whatever they call it), seem to be in vogue. Here are my two favourite doggie pics this week. I’m sorry I’m shaking my head in disbelief… perhaps you could do better?

Chiwoofwoof 1 (source: http://graynotgrey.com/index.php )
Chiwoofwoof 2 (source: http://cualquier.blogspot.com/2003_03_09_cualquier_archive.html)

Now, what were those 2 lion taming owners thinking? Image chequer, please.




Friday, March 28, 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

German Police release man. Hapless hero rescued from being pinned down by own sofa bed. Apparently, at home his sofa bed sprung up, Full Nelsoned him and he could not free himself. Neighbours alerted police, man hospitalised. It is not known whether he is an all in wrestling fan.

Adoptive homes needed for unloved, misunderstood, often clumsy buffoons unable to show affection. Tysonesque all singing all dancing good at basic small talk humanoids wallop scales at 15 lbs. These robots need to put up their leaden feet at night. Millions of America’s domestic pets left drop jawed at prospect.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow






GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (22)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
« So you"re working as a (...............) worker? »
« I'm a « Laundry-Bag-Punch Operator », actually.»

In the USA, what does a « Laundry-Bag-Punch Operator » do? Is s/he …

A) someone who works in space travel
B) someone who works in anger management
C) someone who works in boxing
D) someone who works in paper goods

Previous answer. In the USA a "Lightout Examiner" is a beverage employee. Gosh, must be thirsty work. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

Thursday, March 27, 2003

WANNABE A WANNABE BEAUTY CONTEST JUROR?

Absolutely outrageous. Ugly, the ugliest of the ugliest, even uglier than that.

According to the national El Mundo newspaper in Spain they allege: « cuesta cuatro millones y medio de pesetas (unos 27.045 euros) » / Translation : « it costs four and a half million pesetas (some 27,045 euros) » to buy off the entire beauty contest panel of jurors on this year’s Miss Alicante contest.

The whole unhappy episode was screened as part of the "Al descubierto" [Translation: "Exposed"] series on Antena 3 a national television channel in Spain receiving 29 % of audience figures around 5.2 million viewers.

It is alleged the WHOLE jury of this beauty contest was bought off by the very same national newspaper to prove a point! What? Two or three strategically influential jurors perhaps but…

So my key question is this: ‘How do you get picked to be a beauty contest jury member?’ Head hunted? Randomly picked in the street: “Oy you, wanna be a wannabe beauty contest juror?… Yes! Good through this door, please.” Or perhaps (allegedly) you may have to buy off someone on the contest’s organizing committee backstage; after all everyone needs their cut. So the key question is this: ‘How do you get picked as a Miss Alicante beauty contest organizing committee member?’ Now, that’s the 64 000 dollar question.

Finally the beauty contest organizers have since decided to take back the title of Miss Alicante from the winner Gemma Garcia Marcos. Why? Because she was 31 years old when the maximum permitted age was 24. The organizers have made no mention of any financial irregularity by the jurors. Hmm.




SHOUT OUT

I've now been a blogger just one month and in that time I've enjoyed the whole blogging experience. Thanks for all the support whilst Fresh+Juicy was temporarily (this Sunday thru to Wednesday) out-of-action and since. I’m proud of you all. So here we go :

theaardvark dj who put up a Shout Out for assistance;

Brykmantra a Texan who celebrates St.Patrick’s Day in style and also kindly put out a call;

Ulterior for the kind words on Comments Sheet and for his Welsh style of humour;

Matt from Earth Link-net a site promoting a better planet for all of us;

Sven Latham of the web directory people who have come across several such examples with plus (+) signs …etc.;

Danii for her email support, when r u gonna get a blog site, love ?;

Jimboy also email and ‘passer by’ ditto, ditto…

and to my Alter Ego Jeff who carries them big heavy carton boxes full of freshnjuicy comment sheets from one end of the room to the other.

have I missed anyone? Tell me so. I'll put it right immediately. Importantly, if anyone has any similar technical problem of their blog 'disappearing' and the official Superhuman Volunteers aren't reachable drop me an email on this page. Perhaps, just perhaps I'd have the imagination/experience to find some sort of a solution.




FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Play it again, Sam. Whole generation of military bugle players snuffed out. Full scale invasion of French garden launched by Allied troops as search for top brass. British soldiers looking for missing military instruments. Using such advanced investigative techniques as metal detectors, jovially interviewing house owner over tea and biscuits…

National Spanish newspaper exposes salavating at the mouth level corruption in beauty contests by buying off nationally prime time televised title of Miss Alicante (Spain) for own writer. Their own secret backstage filming conclusive proof of how easy to buy off entire 8 person jury; apparently just 27,045 Euros*.
[FULL REPORT right here later today.]

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow







GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (21)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
« So you"re working as a (...............) worker? »
« I'm a "Lightout Examiner", actually.»

In the USA, what does a "Lightout Examiner" do ? Is s/he …

A) a boxing referee
B) a lighthouse engineer
C) a beverage employee
D) an electricity meter reader

Previous answer. In Britain an ‘Hygiene Specialist’ is a cleaner. I can just imagine the cleaner, oops 'Hygiene Specialist', on all her fours, scrubbing away and singing that old song that no one else can remember the lyric to. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest



Tuesday, March 25, 2003

CENSORSHIP LIFTED

Http://fresh+juicy.blogspot.com now becomes Http://freshnjuicy.blogspot.com

Please remember to change the URL on all links! Thanks!

Blog Spot (No) Plus (Signs allowed) service exposes wicked use of plus sign +

It was proclaimed by a big wig at Blog Spot (even perhaps a computerized one) that the URL address for Fresh + Juicy was 'illegal'. Savagely and mercilessly hacked out of existence as http://fresh+juicy.blogspot.com/ yes, folks NOT EVEN those Superhuman Volunteers employed at Blooger couldn't keep this good chap down.

Yes now minus the infamous illegal + (plus) sign I'm back. I've agonised long and hard these last 3 long and dark days and it's just exploded into my head like a devine inspiration from the heavens above, that I should rename my URL as… http://freshnjuicy.blogspot.com while keeping the same title : Fresh + Juicy.

So I'm back, baby and my 6 foot 5 inch muscular green shaded [sic] body's ripping through my shirt like never before so that my full time assistant (the needlework lady) has got a full week's sewing ahead of her.







SATURDAY 22 MARCH 2003

DEARIE, DEARIE ME. SPELCHEQUER PLEASE!

BOG STANDARD FRENCH

Blog ? Vous voulez dire blogue, non ?
This is the official line from l’Office de la langue française in Quebec (Canada):


HERE’S WHAT THEY SAY :

Anglais blog
Synonyme(s): weblog
Français : blogue n. m

… Le terme blogue, forme francisée de blog, a été proposé par l'Office de la langue française (octobre 2000) sur le modèle de bogue, pour remplacer les termes anglais blog et weblog, très employés en français. Le mot blogue a permis la création de dérivés comme bloguer et blogueur qui sont de plus en plus répandus. …


TRANSLATION BY UNIVERSITY GRADUATE IN FRENCH :

English blog
Synonym(s): weblog
French blogue n. m

…The term blogue, francophone form of blog, has been put forward by the Bureau of the French Language [l'Office de la langue française] (October 2000) along the lines of bogue, to replace the English terms blog and weblog, much used in French. The word blogue has allowed the creation of derivatives such as bloguer and blogueur which are more and more widely used…


FRESH + JUICY OPINION
So, there you have it, folks. It’s official. In the French-speaking world the word ‘blog’ originates from the same spot as ‘bog’. So remember if you ask around for a French ‘blog’ in the Francophone world you’ve about the same chances as locating a French ‘bog’.






[3/22/2003 7:41:26 AM | Cleophas]





FRIDAY 21 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Angelina Jolie, superheroine and Hollywood superstar, has designer frock stolen from vehicle in London. Red is the colour as are the faces of the cherubs that were apparently guarding it. The Oscars intended garment is irreplaceable in contrast to the cherubs. Try perhaps temping pixies, nomes or elves next time.

Crazed shirt splitting Australian kids set to punch bag. Wearing huge battery operated Hulk like green hands the mites act out 1970s Lou Ferrigno’s television character. Released to promo yet another film, this time imaginatively titled The Hulk. For Ozzie kiddies Electronic Hulk Hands well…, fit like gloves.

Another Fresh + Juicy on Monday


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (20)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm a ‘Hygiene Specialist’, actually.’


In Britain, what does a ‘Hygiene Specialist’? do ? Is s/he ?

A) a squeaky clean scientist
B) a cleaner
C) a street tramp
D) a donkey jockey's assistant

Yesterday's answer. In Britain a ‘Director of Mobilising Knowledge’ is a data input person. I somehow imagined the big wig post in a travelling (mobile) library. Return on Monday for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/21/2003 7:35:18 AM | Cleophas]





THURSDAY 20 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

The Golden Bonio Award 2003. One regional winner is Bertie, a tiny doglet Yorkshire terrier from Aberystwyth (Wales, Britain) who scoops regional title from under noses of competitors. A life saving hero to his owner. Bertie’s hobbies include a ‘take no nonsense’ stance towards door bells, telephones, hospital equipment...

It’s official no showing off at the Oscars ceremony this weekend. Warning signs already present that stunned movie stars unprepared for the mental trauma of not being allowed interviews nor photographed while world’s troubles on. Possible planned self help group sessions with Hollywood stars interviewing each other in secret hideouts.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (19)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm a ‘Director of Mobilising Knowledge’, actually.’


In Britain, what does a ‘Director of Mobilising Knowledge’? do ? Is s/he ?

A) a data input person
B) a military librarian
C) a telecommunications bigwig
D) a truck driver

Yesterday's answer. In Britain an ‘Office Logistics Coordinator’ is someone who deals with the post. There was me thinking of creative solutions with next generation paper airplanes replacing two tins cans and a reel of string. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/20/2003 12:49:09 PM | Cleophas]





WEDNESDAY 19 MARCH 2003

WORDSMITH FINALLY ON WAY TO THAT NOBEL PRIZE IN LITERATURE

After years of hard dedicated practice Cleophas, intrepid wordsmith behind Fresh+Juicy, has at last received formal recognition. Yes, one of my everyday invented words and my pride and joy to boot has been featured as a Word of the Week on Quacking It Up! The word is...

[3/19/2003 8:56:11 AM | Cleophas]





WEDNESDAY 19 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

The Golden Bonio Award 2003 reaches tumultuous fever point Tuesday with final 12 competitors sniffing out each other first hand. Among favourites, Bertie and Todd, two truly world class heros. Top prize a year’s supply of dog biscuits for all finalists, and for partner of overall winner superb trophy and 1000 (British) pounds sterling.

Ever felt screwed at Monopoly? It’s official, Monopoly has new racier version in Italy. Puttanopoly (translates: Slutsopoly) aims to make aware huge problem of sex slavery run by Mafias in Europe. Players renamed Hookers, rivals Clients, hotels well… remain hotels, and street names changed to protect the innocent.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (18)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm an ‘Office Logistics Coordinator’, actually.’

In Britain, what does an ‘Office Logistics Coordinator’do ? Is s/he ?

A) someone who manages logos
B) someone who manages egos
C) someone who manages
D) someone who deals with the post

Yesterday's answer. In Britain a ‘Street Scene Operative’ is a street cleaner. With a smile, a top hat 'n' tails, and an all ‘dancing and singing in the rain’ performance. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


Enjoy today's Grandest Job Title?
[3/19/2003 7:29:28 AM | Cleophas]





TUESDAY 18 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Shock! Horror! Sacre bleu! Gushin Morgan! Sizzling TV character’s ashes scattered on seaside beach in Wales. Expect terminally long traffic jam queues of pilgrim filled coaches to swamp welcoming Portmeirion tourist resort. Welsh town, home to current day British television prog Cold Feet and previously The Prisoner back in the sixties, gets whopping quarter of a million tourists annually.

Huge unemployment stats beckon for sniffer dogs at international airports. Technology moves on at unrelenting pace with 1 million year old real time canine specs being finally superceded. New electronic bark free "sniffer dog" trials unleashed on Heathrow Airport (London).

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (17)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm a ‘Street Scene Operative’, actually.’


In Britain, what does a ‘Street Scene Operative’? do? Is s/he ?

A) a busker
B) an optician
C) a street cleaner
D) an actor/actress

Yesterday's answer. In Britain an ‘Ambient Replenishment Controller’ is a shelf stacker in a supermarket. Rather a posh sounding name that one. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


Enjoy today's Grandest Job Title? Trying dipping into the Archive.





[3/18/2003 7:24:49 AM | Cleophas]


MONDAY 17 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Wriggle out of this one. Breath so bad even heavy raw onion lovers would steer clear. Scruffy mongrel dog bails out of man’s foul tasting mouth. Crying children sickened by horror movie style television ad for a brand of chewing gum. This publicity slot on British television produces record number of complaints to UK television censor.

British armed forces invent new kind of sport. The physical game a cross between rugby and wrestling has been dubbed Murder Ball. Perhaps because of its resemblance to a soccer team’s goal scoring celebration with players piling up on top of each other.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (16)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm an ‘Ambient Replenishment Controller’, actually.’

In Britain, what does an ‘Ambient Replenishment Controller’ do ? Does his/her work entail?

A) acting as a petrol pump attendant in a gas station
B) shelf stacking in a supermarket
C) transferring cabbages from one cabbage patch to another
D) controlling the replenishment of ambiance

Saturday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Cracking-Unit Operator’ works in plastics and synthetics. That shy glance away from all of you who thought s/he was something to do with omelettes! ShamefulReturn tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


Enjoy today's Grandest Job Title? Trying dipping into the Archive.
[3/17/2003 12:28:28 AM | Cleophas]





SUNDAY 16 MARCH 2003

1 NEWS PIECE: OVER 70 SEARCHES

Since last Sunday my Fresh+Juicy blog has received over 240 visits including on ONE news subject alone 70 unique IP addresses all arriving through 3 major search engines. Can you guess on which subject? So how come so many visitors for just one news piece?

Is it my powerfully dramatic writing style? My heart stopping attention to the minutest detail of the sizzling subject matter? Perhaps the pungent aroma of my blog’s juicy name wafting over the five continents? Or my fanning the flames of temptation with moving accounts of rags to riches servicewomen?

Anyway, I say enough is enough! I need to write about newer news, nuder nudes. I fear not having my clothes staple-gunned to the wall and my news reporting skills taunted by lurid hordes of news hungry readers menacingly armed with bucket loads of wet sponges, juicy ripened tomatoes and paint ball weaponry.

So there.

[3/16/2003 8:33:34 PM | Cleophas]





SUNDAY 16 MARCH 2003

MISS EPAULETTES 2003

The Russian military nowadays short of funds hits goldmine with its Miss Epaulettes 2003 event. The hugely successful beauty and military awareness contest was recently held to find Russia’s prettiest woman soldier.

The Miss Epaulettes event was designed as part of Russia’s drive to encourage its people to join its military forces. Draft dodging and other avoidance techniques having sapped its numbers in recent years.

The quality of the Russian contest was extremely high. It attracted women soldiers, from many professions including psychologists, engineers, forces journalists and even intelligence officers from all over Russia’s military forces.

Judging was based on good looks, great cooking skills, love for military career, ability to withstand heavy bouts of wolf whistles and frankly more good looks.

Journalists from the world’s greatest news distribution centres: the Fresh+Juicy blog, BBC television and internet news, Washington Times newspaper, CNN television, Red Star newspaper etc all extensively covered the event in depth.

Question now. Who will be the next country to stage a Miss Epaulettes contest? Miss World Epaulettes, anyone? Will potential franchisees from across the globe please form an orderly queue at their local Russian Embassy.



FOR MY EXTENSIVE "MISS EPAULETTES 2003" REPORTING SEE MY PREVIOUS ARTICLES:

Wednesday 12 March, 2003
Miss Epaulettes 2003. And the Winner is?

Monday 10 March, 2003
She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent and yes she’d probably leave James Bond holding his wedding tackle in agony as she exits.

Thursday 6 March, 2003
Russian women soldiers stage beauty contest to find Miss Epaulettes 2003.



MY OTHER ARTICLES ON RUSSIAN / UKRAINIAN WOMEN

Sunday 9 March, 2003
Russian Marriage Bureau for Russian and Ukrainian women

[3/16/2003 6:29:59 PM | Cleophas]





SATURDAY 15 MARCH 2003

DEARIE, DEARIE ME. SPELCHEQUER, PLEASE!

I used to work in Valencia (Spain) and at the time taught English as a Foreign Language to local adult evening classes. It was great fun, though as I found out the local level of English wasn’t always that high. The following comes from a website on Las Fallas [an absolutely must see festival] currently on in the city of Valencia and its whole region.

<< If anyway, you would decide to come by car, try to let it in a place you know, or in a parking, and join the center using one of the public transport. Do not let any valuable thing into your car, at least it mustn't be seeable ; all this people coming for festivities uses to appeal numerous "pickpockets". Don't worry if you like eating during the night, a lot of sellers of sandwiches will settle their halt in those same streets.>>

Worth I’d say a : "Have another go, Eva."


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (15)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............) worker.’
‘I'm a ‘Cracking-Unit Operator’, actually.’


In the USA, what does a ‘Cracking-Unit Operator’ do ? Does s/he work?
A) in hazlenut processing
B) in plastics and synthetics
C) in the army
D) in egg processing

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Tie-Up Worker’ works in office machines. From the job description it sounded more like a bank robber! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


Enjoy today's Grandest Job Title?

[3/15/2003 7:34:30 AM | Cleophas]





FRIDAY 14 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Wy man you gotta learn the lingo. Tourists to the Geordie land capital city Newcastle (England) being taught Latin language on metro platform as await trains. Names from Hadrian’s Wall being used. Along with Gateshead city bidding for European Capital of Culture status in 2008. Perhaps hoping to achieve twinned town status with Vatican state.

Red Nose Day fever to warm cold England. Millions to wear red hooters inspired perhaps by Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Sponsorships, stunts and good old plain bucket shaking. Major charity event held every two years combines comedians and entertainment personalities from British television.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (14)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm a ‘Tie-Up Worker’, actually.’

In the USA, what does a ‘Tie-Up Worker’ do ? Does s/he work?
A) as a slave
B) in a shirt and tie shop
C) as a soccer coach
D) in office machines

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, an ‘Inter-Fold Roll Cutter’ works in pencil (or pen) manufacture. From the job description who would have guessed that! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/14/2003 12:07:20 AM | Cleophas]





THURSDAY 13 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT

Two boys from Nottingham (England) both British Royal look alikes hope to cash in during 2003. The elder already appeared in film with drop pants gorgeous (so say all the ladies) Hugh Grant. Identical to Prince William and Harry, could easily be suitable royal decoys for Real McCoy in case of war.

Mr Foley, US Senator for Roswell, New Mexico, calls for annual Extraterrestrial Culture Day in February. Never thought of before idea could pay homage to such greats as ET of film fame, the ugly looking brute with the painfully slow speech rocketed to space fame in 1982.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (13)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm an Inter-Fold Roll Cutter, actually.’


In the USA, what does an ‘Inter-Fold Roll Cutter’ do ? Does s/he work in...
A) pencil manufacture
B) sandwich making
C) stuntman
D) photocopier engineer

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Take-Down Inspector’ works in Photofinishing. From the job description it sounded grander! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/13/2003 10:59:49 AM | Cleophas]





WEDNESDAY 12 MARCH 2003

MISS EPAULETTES 2003
THE WINNER : Tatyana Posyevnina

The winner, Tatyana Posyevnina, a sergeant from Petrozavodsk caught the judges’ eye ahead of the other 15 finalists who had reached the Moscow Finals. Her prize stacks of television sets, the title of Miss Epaulettes 2003 and no doubt greatly improved promotion prospects. So great was the interest within the Russian Army that Red Star, the army’s own newspaper, ran daily updates. The 16 finalists had reached the grand finals through: looks, cooking ability, cultural talents and communicating the love of their military job.

[3/12/2003 4:40:17 PM | Cleophas]





WEDNESDAY 12 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Keep it quiet, please. I’ve heard on the grapevine that President Bush he could, allegedly, be a vegetarian. Still further details filtering through on the ‘Presidentially Pardoned Turkeys’ forever excused attendance at White House dinner functions.

Come on baby crown my day, er light my fire, maybe squeeze my toothpaste, butter my toast, perhaps Princely Big Ears meets Noddy out of hours? The ‘Charlesgate’ British Royal Family cover up gathers storm clouds.

Fresh + Juicy’s Blog writer in residence, Cleophas, makes his readers exclusive never to be repeated offer: ‘Full board accomodation on planet Mars for FREE (transport not included)’

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow

[3/12/2003 8:25:22 AM | Cleophas]





GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (12)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a (...............) worker?’
‘I'm a ‘Take-Down Inspector’, actually.’

In the USA, what does a ‘Take-Down Inspector’ do ? Does s/he work in...
A) the Police
B) the Law Courts
C) Photofinishing
D) Secretarial services

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Rib-Stiffener and Heel-Dipper’ works in shoe (or boot) manufacture. From the job description I somehow imagine a (British) Victorian age seaside photo! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/12/2003 7:12:08 AM | Cleophas]





TUESDAY 11 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Vertigo, student newspaper of The University of Technology, Sydney (UTS) does adbust parody on Australian government’s recruitment ads. Havoc caused, with huge numbers of Defence Department offices becoming ghost towns: pot plants left thirsty, cobwebs gathering even special task force, Truth Overboard squadron, formed to clear huge backlog of mounting photocopying.

Tomorrow, 12 March, Las Fallas kicks off in Valencia (Spain). Annual week long orgy of savage street pitched battles between Moors and Christians, fireworks, scrumptious servings of paella and merry lashings of sangria, deafening firecrackers, all ending on burning of street effigies with firefighting service stretched to limits.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow

[3/11/2003 7:57:22 AM | Cleophas]





GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (11)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a (...............) worker? ‘
‘I'm a ‘Rib-Stiffener and Heel-Dipper’, actually.’

In the USA, what does a ‘Rib-Stiffener and Heel-Dipper’ do ? Is s/he a...
A) beachside lifesaver
B) ballet dancer
C) boxer
D) shoe manufacturer

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Remittance-On-Farm-Rental-And-Soil-Conservation Auditor’ works in Insurance. Try saying that with a mouthful of cheese-pickle-and-ham-on-rye-with-mayo-sandwich! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/11/2003 7:25:33 AM | Cleophas]





MONDAY 10 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)


Woman brings restaurant to standstill as she walks in. Stunned couples looked on in utter bewilderment as she sat down alone at her dinner table. Waiters timidly asking her if there was anything else she wanted.

Russia’s 90,000 strong military beauty contest shows its stripes. Miss Epaulettes 2003, she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent and yes she’d probably leave James Bond holding his wedding tackle in agony as she exits.

Fury rages in Europe over claims many Americans see Europeans as ‘tractor’ drivers. Apparently, diesel fuelled Europeans unable even to spell hiydragen let alone capable of buying car running on it.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow

[3/10/2003 8:12:12 AM | Cleophas]





GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (10)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working in the (...............) sector?’
‘I'm a ‘Remittance-On-Farm-Rental-And-Soil-Conservation Auditor’, actually.’

In the USA in which sector would you find a ‘Remittance-On-Farm-Rental-And-Soil-Conservation Auditor’ ? In...
A) Antiques
B) Insurance
C) Telecommunications
D) Construction

Saturday's answer. Apparently, an ‘Antisqueak Chalker’ works in shoe manufacture. It wasn’t even anything to do with teachers or blackboards and chalk screechingReturn tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/10/2003 7:30:35 AM | Cleophas]





SUNDAY 9 MARCH 2003

RUSSIAN WOMEN UPDATE

I mentioned earlier today a fascinating Marriage Bureau for Russian (even Ukrainian) women looking for the perfect English-speaking man.

Sure enough they're pretty. And they're smart, too. I can see that. Their level of English for these lovely Russian (or Ukrainian) women is often ‘understands basic written text with help of dictionary’ so I'm thinking so far no problemo, senorita.

My only concern and it appears worrying is that most of them ‘needs complex letters translated’ And some of them Russian into English, French, German… etc. Is there an allegedly ever so slight whiff of an undercover translation agency here? Possibly using unwitting male bloggers as translators?

[3/9/2003 12:23:05 PM | Cleophas]





SUNDAY 9 MARCH 2003

SEARCH ENGINES

Just looked at my hit counter and seen an even healthier number this morning. Thought I’d look a little closer at the stats.

Amazingly today, cyber cafe loads of people are typing in the search words ‘Miss Epaulettes 2003’. Following my dramatically powerful reporting of the sizzling Russian beauty contest (Thursday 6 March 2003, below), the Google search engine has not only placed the aforementioned article on page 1 of its search but also ranked it naturally enough above the reports by CNN, the BBC, and the Washington Times. The BBC only appearing on page 3 on my screen!

So how eye-wateringly beautiful are Russian (or former Soviet Union) women? These Russian marriage agency photos sure look like a beauty pagent, to me.

[3/9/2003 8:59:39 AM | Cleophas]





SUNDAY 9 MARCH 2003

THOSE MOMENTS

Last night, I watched ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ on television as I do on a Saturday. As they say on the programme, it’s always easier when you’re sat at home. Usually I sail through most answers. Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I got an answer wrong or should I say they got the wrong question to my right answer.

[3/9/2003 8:18:01 AM | Cleophas]





SATURDAY 8 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

‘Now, run that past us again’ required by Millionaire Trial judge in London due to juror falling ill. It is not known whether the juror has a cough. If it were a cough, we don’t know that for sure and it is only alleged, this may indicate that the juror in question has a sore throat.

Tougher Passport checks now in place for air travel in Europe. Aging wrinkly passport causes Briton problems. Airline denied Briton legal right to travel within customs free European Union zone. ‘Tatty’ passport poo pooed by clique counter staff for less than mint condition.

Another Fresh + Juicy on Monday

[3/8/2003 7:29:26 AM | Cleophas]






GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (9)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working in the (...............) industry/business?’
‘I'm an ‘Antisqueak Chalker’ actually.’

In the USA in which industry/business would you find an ‘Antisqueak Chalker’ ? In...
A) Bed adjustment
B) Pet shop
C) Vermin control
D) Shoe manufacture

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Washer and Crusher’ works in the US Mining Industry. Appealing as it always is I rather liked the idea of nah nah really, there’s always the real answerReturn on Monday for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[edit]

FRIDAY 7 MARCH 2003

THOSE MOMENTS

It’s perhaps surprising that people worry about the most banal of things. I know I do at times. Mind you, for many people, if they didn’t have anything to worry about they’d be well, worried I suppose.

[3/7/2003 8:34:47 PM | Cleophas]





FRIDAY 7 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Scottish Councillor becomes neighbourhood bollard scrubber. The Magic Sponge, usually reserved for bringing back to life mamby pamby Italian soccer stars, gets waved about streetside. The elected councillor exposes the shockingly unhygenic state of roadsides in Keith, in Moray (Scotland).

Pancake Day (March 4) meeting between Anglo Irish heads of state confirms what most bystanders think of politicians. It was, through sources close to the British Prime Minister, revealed that exquisitely scrumptious numbers of pancakes had indeed been tossed.

Coarse Code replaces Morse Code. Claims in the Millionaire Trial reveal, it is alleged, coughs coded to signal correct answers.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow

[3/7/2003 7:57:53 AM | Cleophas]





GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (8)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working in the (...............) industry/business?’
‘I'm a ‘Washer and Crusher’, actually.’

In the USA in which industry/business would you find a ‘Washer and Crusher’ ? The...
A) Massage business
B) Combined car cleaning and car crushing business
C) Mining Industry
D) Telecommunications Industry

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Mud-Jack Nozzle Worker’ works in the US Construction Industry. I wonder if there was ever a man called Jack Nozzle. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/7/2003 7:34:14 AM | Cleophas]





THURSDAY 6 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Russian women soldiers stage beauty contest to find Miss Epaulettes 2003. Meanwhile bare all left of the former French number 2 passenger air carrier Air Lib its French former employees stage own version: Missing Epaulettes 2003. Anything the Russians can do the French Can Can do better.


The ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ English High Court trial continues. Clearly, a cool million British pounds sterling is not something to be sneezed at. So maybe a cough, it is alleged, will do? Or a wink, a nod, some bum scratching, a bit of toenail gazing, some lip licking?

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (7)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working in the (...............) industry?’
‘I'm a ‘Mud-Jack Nozzle Worker’, actually.’

In the USA in which industry would you find a ‘Mud-Jack Nozzle Worker’ ? The...
A) Shipping Industry
B) Construction Industry
C) Pharmaceutical Industry
D) Automobile Industry

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Foot Straightener’ is a specific type of watch repairer. Best foot forward, hold your head up high and say it again I’m a ‘Foot Straightener’, actually. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/6/2003 7:48:40 AM | Cleophas]





WEDNESDAY 5 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)


Braveheart nudists calling for a stretch. Aberdeenish naturists demand coastline site to hang out their washing. Aberdeen (Scotland) not previously noted as a top bare all destination receives request for naturist beach. Too cold even in summer, warns local resident.

Noisy Loughborough students CD set to rocket to number 1 in UK Pop Chart. Local residents so impressed by the acoustic dimensions have recorded them. Reality television please stand aside.

It's that Lynx effect again. Endangered species in Norway faces falling prey to hunters (many of them women). Halved in numbers since 1996 the lynx in scandinavia severely depleted.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (6)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a/an (...............)?’
‘I'm a Foot Straightener, actually.’

In the USA what type of position is a ‘Foot Straightener’? A/An...
A) chiropodist
B) dancer
C) all-in wrestler
D) watch repairer

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Warp-Dyeing-Vat Tender’ is a specific type of textile worker. Warp, dye, VAT, tender now did you really think it might be any one of the other three? Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest

[3/5/2003 8:05:47 AM | Cleophas]





TUESDAY 4 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)


McLeading fast food restaurant meal descriptions. Even admitting that part of the toppings in a bun had been positioned nearer to the camera's edge on an advertisement filming session. For the average burger muncher, of course, the toppings get positioned to the bun's furthest edge: the edge you never get to see.

Catastrophic car chaos reins at a Cardiff hospital with administrators forced to cancel a major operation. Hospitals more used to lack of patient bed parking space facing shortfall of hospital staff car parking spaces. Imagine post: "Nurse required for top hospital: non car owners only need apply".

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (5)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............)?’
‘I'm a Warp-Dyeing-Vat Tender, actually.’

In the USA what type of position is a ‘Warp-Dyeing-Vat Tender’? A/An...
A) customs and excise officer
B) actor
C) textile worker
D) moneylender

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Data Storage Specialist’ is a filing clerk. So there you have it. Now, go forth into the world and data store specialise. Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


GEM CHAT-UP LINES 5

[At a party. Use people-talk openers and no hiding away in the corner. Keep to where the action is]
M : Hello.
W : Hello.
M : Do you know Dave?
W : Yes, from our college days.
M : You would have known him from just before I did. I know him from his first real job.
W : Barracloughs in Leeds?
M : That's the one.

[3/4/2003 7:35:36 AM | Cleophas]





MONDAY 3 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Baffled exhibition staff scratch heads over theft of heavily guarded Salvador Dali painting in New York. In an audacious move, given the fact that it is known Dali did not paint many of his works, experts are claiming the painting was replaced by a (complete) fake.

Not content with making dogs wear giant coffee filters around their necks when being treated for fleas, clean streets campaigners in Frankfurt, Germany are pressing for German dogs to be fitted with car-style dog number plates. Apparently, dog owners could be more easily tracked down and fined for their pet woofer’s unceremonious dumping.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow


GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (4)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you"re working as a (...............)?’
‘I'm a ‘Data Storage Specialist’, actually.’

Is a ‘Data Storage Specialist’ a...
A) filing clerk
B) managing director
C) photocopier engineer
D) warehouse person

Saturday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Technical Horticultural Maintenance Officer’ is a gardener. No more the weedy sounding title of gardener! Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest


GEM CHAT-UP LINES 4

[Staring melancholically at city centre shop window]
M : Why do you look so melancholic ? [said with confidence and a big smile]
W [surprised] : Was I ?
M : Just a little. [focussing back on window] Nice clothes. Which top were you admiring ?
W : They’re all quite nice.
M : I agree. I can tell you’ve got great taste in clothes. How you dress, where you shop.
W : Thank you.
M : Your green top. It really suits your complexion. Were you going to buy anything ?
W : Not today. I was just window shopping.
M : Funny that. So was I. Are you waiting for anyone, perhaps ?
W : No, no, no-one.
M : Shall we admire another shop window ? [start walking] You’d be amazed the effort some window cleaners put into keeping shop windows sparkling clean.
W : You sound as if you"re a window cleaner.
M : [slight laugh] Who me ? No, I’m in marketing. What do you do ?
W : I’m in finance. A credit broker to be more precise.
M : Really ? Tell me more.
W : Well, we…

Another Gem tomorrow

[3/3/2003 7:24:50 AM | Cleophas]





SATURDAY 1 MARCH 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

UK plans cull of 2600 ducks. It's not yet known whether the bobbing plastic fun fair ones are to be included. Fears also grow for the traditional yellow plasticas variety often found floating on bathroom ponds. Claims a bureaucrat told stunned park goers to "feed them oranges".

Prolongated pregnancies are the fault of the baby's father. It's official. It's all in the genes, apparently. The male ones of course. Women carry the baby: men carry the can. Or the no-can, perhaps.

Dust found from other planet gives government statisticians encouragement for fast paced expansion of British cleaning franchises.

Another Fresh + Juicy on Monday



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (3)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use.
Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a (...............)?’
‘I'm a ‘Technical Horticultural Maintenance Officer’, actually.’

Is a ‘Technical Horticultural Maintenance Officer’ a...
A) photocopier engineer
B) gardener
C) vet
D) doctor

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, a ‘Refuge Disposal Operative’ is a dustman. Why use one word when you can use three! Return on Monday for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest



GEM CHAT-UP LINES 3

[In a cafe. Sitting.]
M : Excuse me, but would you would mind passing me the salt from over there?
W : Sure. [hands over salt]
M : Thanks for the salt. I see your drink?s nearly finished. Would you care for another coffee?
W : Well, I do have a few spare minutes.

Another Gem on Monday

[3/1/2003 7:40:17 AM | Cleophas]





FRIDAY 28 FEBRUARY 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Some English ambulance handlers mix up vehicle speed stats with telephone numbers with resulting inflated patient attending figures. Dramatic increases in recorded mileage speeds, in excess of the NASA space programme, boosted performance targets.

"We have found the secret of life" apparently declared Francis Crick to James Watson his fellow co-discoverer. Fifty years to the day have passed from the amazing Nobel Prize winning discovery of DNA. The revelation in an English public bar long ago still leaves British pub goers bemused. Free flowing ideas on the meaning of DNA abound from ‘Don't Need Anybody’ to ‘Donkeys Nodding Away’.

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (2)

True yet larger-than-life job titles in current use.
Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded:
‘So you’re working as a/an (...............)?’
‘I'm a Refuge Disposal Operative, actually.’

Is a ‘Refuge Disposal Operative’ a/an...
A) customs officer
B) dustman
C) hotel receptionist
D) photocopier engineer

Yesterday's answer. Apparently, an ‘Optical Illuminator Enhancer’ is a window cleaner. No doubt you'll see your window cleaner in a different light from today onwards...
Return tomorrow for the answer to today's Grandest. And another Grandest



GEM CHAT-UP LINES 2

[Waiting in queue at the bus station for the next bus]
M : It just wouldn't be the bus station without the waiting.
W : I suppose not.
M : How do you feel when you have to wait ages for a bus driver to come ?
W : It can get a bit annoying sometimes. It always seems to be such a long wait.
M : I think you’re spot on there. It leaves you feeling restless.
W : And then it always seems two buses leave at the same time.
M : Come to think of it. You’re right there...

Another Gem tomorrow

[2/28/2003 7:20:45 AM | Cleophas]






THURSDAY 27 FEBRUARY 2003

FRESH & JUICY COMMENT
(in 99 words) (DAILY)

Husky busky Damon Gough- aka Badly Drawn Boy in live concert draws in receipts of 4.90 British Pounds Sterling. Huge numbers of bewildered fans stroll past as the musician is taken for a Big Issue seller.

Coronation Street devotees huddle together in terror as the shockingly dramatic truth comes out. After months of ‘he's behind you’ a la Punch and Judy it's finally out. Ah, them cobbled streets of Manchester.

Anyone can play like me claims world class footballer Ryan Giggs. Course they can, mate. Now, what exactly are we talking here, Giggsy? Shove halfpenny? The banjo? Richard in Shakespeare's...

Another Fresh + Juicy tomorrow



GRANDEST TRUE JOB TITLES (1)

Today's true yet larger-than-life job titles. Use your powers of deduction, guesswork or just stick a pin in there while blindfolded.
‘So you're working as a (...........)?’
‘I'm an ‘Optical Illuminator Enhancer’, actually.’

Is an ‘Optical Illuminator Enhancer’ a ...
A) plumber
B) photocopier engineer
C) window cleaner
D) nurse

Answer and another Grandest tomorrow



GEM CHAT-UP LINES 1

[Approaches, leans in slightly]
M : Hello.You see my friend over there?
W [with slight nod of head draws attention to friend other side of room] : Yes.
M : He's wondering if you'd go out with me.

Another Gem tomorrow

[2/27/2003 7:23:38 PM | Cleophas]